Friday, August 22, 2014

The coffin...

So many nights, I lay in bed and get comfy. I lay flat on my back and my hands naturally meet each other at my navel. Every single time this happens, I envision myself in a coffin, and at a funeral and I am totally creeped out. (Yes. This just happened to me right now.)

I'm not sure why this happens to me but it is a high shock-value reminder to me that everyone dies from this physical world. And I am part of that "everyone" whether I like it or not (which I don't).  

Though the only time in my life I ever came close to a panic attack was when I made myself "feel" what it would be like to face death - that moment before, knowing it was happening - it has been a recurring theme throughout my 30 somewhat years that the thought of dying catapults me into major gratitude and inner reflection. (That was a really long sentence - sorry!) Not only do I feel grateful to have this special gift of life, but it allows me to weigh dramas by this very equation: if I were to die today, would "this" still bother me? Would I spend any time thinking about it, being upset about it or addressing it? If not... Why am I now?  Is this moment any less valuable than my last?

Since we do not know when it's our time, or anyone else's for that matter, I find it rather silly we fall back into the human drama trap so frequently. And by drama I mean anything that consumes us emotionally. 

Let my freaky vision be your reminder to live full today. And love full today. And to weigh your dramas against the scales of what's really important. 

Show up. And give it your all.  This is your very precious life.  And today (right now) is all you have. Spend it in joy. 


Sweetest dreams, 'night all. 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Unfulfilled dreams...

I was randomly thinking the other day about horses. I have loved horses for as long as I was aware of their existence. For decades they consumed my existence. I wanted a horse of my own with every ounce of my being. And always knew one day I would have one. Such magic, beauty. Words cannot describe their magnificence.  

The smell of a barn, the dust from the paths, the wet mark on the horse's back from under the saddle, the sound of a canter or trot  -- ah, nostalgia. 

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I may never get a horse. I was alarmed. And in shock, really. The thought had never crossed my mind. I just always knew I would one day share my heart with a special horse.  But, on this very day, seeing as my life was playing out every way but the way I imagined, the possibility of dying without fulfilling that dream was very real. And a raw, cold bitterness and stillness filled my veins. 

Then I thought, no way. I will not die without fulfilling my dream(s).  A swift shake of my head accompanied this denial. 

It was at that moment I realized something tragic. Of all the most powerful dreams we have, as children or even as we are older, I imagine that a great majority are never fulfilled. Countless numbers of people settle for a life so much less than they intended. They give up on their dreams every single day. They fall victim to fears and self-limiting beliefs. 

How terribly sad. With all the critics in the world, we need some more people who encourage us to dream and believe

It was very painful to empathically feel dreams flying by the wayside into the abyss. The sour taste of conforming to mediocrity.  The deep emptiness that pulsates within your chest and bubbles up to your throat. 

So, here I am today. I am the parental voice speaking to (and nurturing) your inner child. The child within you that dances with joy and dreams in vivid grandeur.  

Dream Big. Dream often. Chase your dreams, no matter where they take you. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Believe you deserve it. Because you do. You are worthy. You are beautiful and perfect and whole. You need nothing, but you can explore and play and express yourself and your dreams freely. You are magnificent. Anything you desire you can manifest, if you so choose. 

Please, if you do me - no, yourself - just one service, allow it to be openness that mimics the wonderment of a child. Follow what your heart speaks and chase down those dreams. This is your life. Allow yourself to live it, to love it (and love yourself) and do it fully. Today. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Your Daily Reminder...

My mother and I recently watched "Heaven is for Real." (The little boy in the movie is simply delish, so cute.). My mother was especially touched by the film, citing a message she received from it. 

She said so often we go to church or hear a message, and for that short period of time we "get it." We are kind and patient and living the word of Love. But once we leave that place, we leave behind that kindness, the tenderness and generosity. Our warm hearts turn anxious with the day to day grind we fall back into.

She questioned why this happens. Then she said, we just need to take it with us somehow. But how? She said we need a reminder each day to be that person we were at church, for example.

Well, here is your reminder Mom. And everyone else that struggles with breaking old patterns and bringing joy and love through to each and every day. It takes time to make new habits. But it's totally attainable.

Print this out. Hang it in the kitchen next to the coffee pot. Put it as your phone screensaver. Do something, anything, to keep that feeling ever-present within you. Look at it often to remind yourself of the precious love that is already in your heart. The love that just needs a little nudge sometimes to be reminded of its power and grace and impact on this world. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

"Never say 'never!'"

So, many years ago when I "knew everything," I was a big fan of the word "never."  I used it quite often. Along with should, could and would. All poisonous words in my current opinion (though I now realize I know nothing instead of everything). 

For a know-it-all, I sure didn't know much at all.  Gosh, I had a list of things I would "never" do or become. And I had a picture in my mind of what I would do and become. It was all crystal clear during my days of judgment and neat tidy boxes (side note: my phone auto corrected tidy to say tofu - ha. Touché iPhone. Touché.)

Well, here I am laughing today (sort of). I have literally become all of the things I said I never would. I have done things I said I would never do.  Today, I am the poster child for "NEVER SAY 'NEVER.'" 

I epitomize the philosophy that we never (oh God, I used it again) know what's going to happen day by day- never mind years from now. 

What's most ironic and somewhat humorous is that I am happier today than I was then. I have more peace now - though I have become all the frowned-upon things I said I never would, then some - than I did when my life was "on track" (for normalcy).

I may be a walking mess according to old-me, but this walking mess has learned so much and gained so much appreciation and love and awareness and knowledge that I wouldn't trade it for what "could've" been.  Yes, on some "bad" or difficult days I wish I could be young and ignorant, again, and normal.  But I'm not. And that's all there is to it. 

What is judgment anyway aside from an unhappy person's way of projecting their own issues outward to avoid looking inward?  

Goodbye, old-self. I am sorry to disappoint you but I am not sorry to see you go. Though I carry some battlescars today, and life situations that would have mortified you, I have outgrown the need for your approval. 

Now, I will never say "never," again! :)