Friday, July 27, 2012

A blue leash, a squashed toe and a bouncing Rottweiler.

Friday, July 27, 2012  1004 AM
So, I wake up this morning to the sound of the (most annoying) alarm on my phone.  I snoozed it twice, not really in the mood to wake to the day, even though I was having the most bizarre (and most annoying) dreams.  The dreams seemed safer than waking up to reality.  Eventually, by the 3rd attempt of the phone to frazzle me enough to get me to peel myself from the bed (hey, it’s a rare occasion I can actually sleep - when the toddler is not around), I caved.  
Additional tidbit: I quit smoking 4 weeks ago today. 
My eyes are swollen and heavy.  My throat hurts, although I don’t know why (very annoying) because I am not even smoking.  My body seems lethargic and bloated.  I slowly stagger out of the bedroom to begin my day.
I am immediately greeted by two furry faces, who were waiting rather patiently for me to get up and take them out to relieve themselves. They ever so kindly wait for me to begin rustling to tell me they’d like to begin their day and interact. 
I pick up the leash, and I am still zombie-like, going through the motions but having no real sound or thought besides exhaustion.  My mind begins to wander and rack up thoughts about “to do” list items.  Things I have to do this morning like phone calls to insurance companies and other professionals (most annoying), reasons I have to rush... and my anxiety is beginning to build already.    I am quickly snapped out of my head as my toes are being squashed by a 90 pound Rottweiler who is so excited she’s going outside the house, because she has been waiting so patiently, she cannot contain herself.  Of course, I am annoyed that my toes are being stepped on because it hurts... until I look at her, in her eyes.  She exudes such anticipation and pure joy that it literally stopped me dead in my tracks.  Her tail (stub) was feverishly wiggling and she just looked at me, as though staring at me would make me move faster.  “Come on, mom! Let’s go! Let’s go!”
All right, I admit... I had to stop and smile.  One moment in time... one bleeding toe... was all I needed.  It was exactly what I needed.  And it set me back on track.  
A couple of weeks ago I was on the train and the train was on the tracks.  I was going fast, going smoothly.  My head was screwed on tight and right.  My heart was full.  All was well in the world of “Camille.”  I was living (or trying to the best of my ability) as though each day could be my last day on this planet.  I weighed the importance of what occurred during the day with that principle:  this could be my last day, how do I want to react to this?  Does this really matter in the big picture?  If today is my last day, what significance does this hold?  Life was looking peachy.  And I was happy.  And I had inner peace.  
Well... then life happens.  It keeps going, regardless of how you feel.  I caught some ridiculously painful virus and missed work.  I couldn’t play my normal role as tire-less Mom.  Things started to deteriorate.  And I became behind in many areas of “life.” I suppose that had something to do with the spiraling that later occurred.  There were other things, as well.  And soon, I found that my train had derailed and I was heading into some dark, unknown abyss and I was barely holding on.
Every day that passed, I slipped deeper into this unknown world.  Not intentionally. But, I couldn’t find the “brakes” on the train, and it just kept going. My eyes could not see as they were squeezed tight shut from the speed of the train.
So... here I am today, Friday, July 27.  Falling farther into the dark unknown (mentally and emotionally).  Wondering “why” life is as it is... and wondering what to do about it because truthfully, at times, I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING.
And then, a miracle.  A squashed toe and a wiggling, furry butt.  I peered into Raja’s eyes (my exuberant Rottweiler) and got caught there for a moment.  Time seemed to freeze around us as messages were flooded through from her to me.  I had an instant jolt of memory.  I became aware, again.  Raja... the dog paralyzed by fear that I “rescued” from the shelter a year and a half ago... was rescuing me. 
I realized in that moment that Raja was so thrilled to be exactly where she was.  She was anxious and excited to participate in whatever activity came next... especially if it meant putting her leash on and going outside!  She was smiling, wiggling and all-over full of energy, light and joy.  Raja.  My beautiful, black companion.  Now, my spiritual savior.  As Ursa once was to me (those of you who know me, know of Ursa)... Raja has taken the role of snapping me out of my misery and bringing me back to “life” where there is beauty surrounding us at all times if we just stop and look close enough.  If we stop long enough to see it.  
I learned a lot today from Raja.  She reminded me to live each day fully.  To wait anxiously for what is to come next, but not to dwell on the future, either.  To be completely present... in each present moment... and enjoy it.  And all it has to offer.  
After all... “tomorrow is NEVER a promise.”  This very well could be a “last” day for any one of us.  As horrifying as that may be, we should embrace the day. Embrace love.  And weigh out our stresses and upsets against the grand clock.
Thank you, Raja... another lesson taught by our furry friends.  
Such a simple lesson.  But one that is often over complicated by humans.  Animals get this all.  They get life.  And they can share many spiritual messages with us, just like Raja did today.  
Yup.  A blue leash... a squashed toe... a bouncing Rottweiler.... combined together, equaling an absolutely imperative slap in the face and kick in the ass.  And my train is back on track, again.