Tuesday, April 22, 2014


Taken from http://dictionary.reference.com


an airplane maneuver in which a plane, starting upward, makes one complete vertical loop.
a ride in an amusement park that simulates this maneuver.

I assume that the word loopti-loop originated from loop-the-loop, but as with many things in life I could be absolutely wrong.  Let's pretend for a moment that I am correct for the purposes of this blog... a loopti-loop is then a big 'ole circle.   And as we know, circles just keep going.  I don't know where they begin, but they never end.  Loopti-loop.... loopti-loop.... 

I was thinking about (painful) patterns this morning.  The kind we indulge in, over and over.  

At some point in time, we are smacked in the face with clear vision.  We see our patterns right in front of us, glaring at us, almost laughing at us really.  "Oh my God... how did I not see this before?"   It's a feeling of wonderment, shock, fear maybe.  It is as though a blindfold is quickly torn from your eyes like a bandaid.  It happens just that fast. 

Wow.  I can see now.  I can now STOP myself (stop the pattern) from doing another loopti-loop.  

Or not.  

So, what happens exactly?  I wondered, why do we continue to eat the poisoned apple when we know the outcome?  Why would we voluntarily hop on a ride we know makes us motion-sick and leaves us paralyzed by discomfort?

It dawned on me that so much is clear when we feel the sting of pain.  "I am so never having a child, again.  Who would volunteer for this PAIN?  If I knew what it would be like, I would never have done this!"  -- words often heard during the plague of morning sickness... or after child birth.  But what happens is we FORGET the pain that was so raw at that very moment.  It becomes blurred with lots of happy times, everyday dramas and ultimately disappears into the oblivion of "yesterdays." 

So, I realized that once we begin to heal from our pain, and forget how much it "hurt" us, we also become very optimistic and hopeful.  Those painful patterns - or loopti-loops - that we SWORE we would never participate in, again, soon creep back into our new routines.  After all, we are solid.  We are happy, we got this.  And when we are (healthy) strong... we can handle anything.  It doesn't feel quite so bad, anymore.  We must have been exaggerating! 

It isn't until we get a bit worn down, again, that we realize we have once again put ourselves in a position we vowed to never be in, again.

How do we (truly) stop ourselves from being the gluttons for (self) punishment (pain) that we are? I wish I had an answer for you... but I don't.

My guess is that if we truly weigh all of our options with an open heart and mind, asking if this something that serves us and our highest good (not something we can DEAL WITH or TOLERATE, but something that actually benefits us or makes our heart sing) - we can distinguish that which we want to keep around versus that which we can "handle" at the moment.  Asking, is this helping me?  Is this in alignment with my goals, my vision, my heart, how I feel?  Is this something I am doing for me - or doing out of fear, guilt, for someone else, etc.?  

Though we may be all-mighty and powerful today, that does not mean we have to ressurect the loopti-loops of the past that so often made us sick and kept us from being the best versions of ourselves.  There's no need to prove our ability to "deal with" these patterns.  Toss 'em.  Make some room for new ones... healthy ones.  

Let's hear it for the ride of our lives that begins today (and everyday... each moment, actually)... 

Here we go loopty loo
Here we go loopty li
Here we go loopty loo
All on a Saturday night

Here we go way down low
Here we go way up high
Here we go way down low
We really know how to fly

Here we go round and round
Here we go fast and slow
Here we go round and round
Oh what a great way to go

Here we go up and down
Here we sit side by side
Here we go up and down
Oh what a wonderful ride

Here we go loopty loo
Here we go loopty li
Here we go loopty loo
All on a Saturday night
All on a Saturday night
All on a Saturday night

Monday, April 21, 2014

I got caught...

I did.

I got caught.  Totally, red-handed.

It was as though I were a third party watching the entire thing happen.  And I caught myself; the offense was clear as day.

"For a smart girl, you sure do stupid things, Camille."

It was that simple.  That short.  That quick.

But that ten-word sentence was super charged and packed with a punch.  It carried with it years of history and story-tales.  Layers of emotion, pain, memories and self-limiting beliefs.

It may seem innocent to the majority, but those ten words - altogether - are the root of so many internal struggles.  And after I caught myself, I stopped dead in my tracks.

Why did I call my actions stupid?  The things I do are no different than everyone else... millions of people.  Billions probably.  And what makes them stupid after all?  That is, most definitely and completely, subjective.  Why - in that moment - did I feel the need to judge myself?  It was as though I was speaking to another person.  As though I were two people, not one.  The judgmental, tightly wound Camille shaking her head in disapproval... telling the other Camille a thing or two about "life" and choices and what's smart and what is not.  Controlling the second girl that made a choice that perhaps was not - in hindsight - the best for her. Though, is it not true that we need to make certain choices to learn certain lessons?  Who is to say what is best for anyone, anyway?

That first Camille sounds an awful lot like someone I know very well.  Bless his heart, I love my father dearly.  But his tongue has been known to cut like the sharpest knife and be as venomous as a snake's bite.  And I was not spared from its wrath throughout my adolescence.

And so, here I am... in my thirties.  A parent, myself.  Ravenous for soul-food, always reading and expanding and questioning and nourishing and reaching to become the highest version of Camille I can be.  And out of the clear blue, left field comes that darn sneaky ego.  The embodiment of self limitations and fear and judgment.  The part of ourselves that wants to be right, wants to protect us and keep us safe (and stagnant) and the mind that stores our story-tales and regurgitates them at just the "appropriate" time.

It was a very raw and startling reminder of how powerful our minds can be, our stories and our beliefs. How they are tucked away and even when you think you've rid yourself of them - in your false sense of security, they pop up to play with you (not such a fun game).

More importantly, it was also a much-needed reminder that so much of life is subjective.  And being gentle with ourselves is so vital to optimal health and overall wellbeing.  We get judged at every corner... from the time we are children and into adulthood and beyond.  So, who needs a split personality version of themselves telling them all the things they do wrong? I am sure there are plenty of people or things out there willing to do that for us.  Everything is about learning and growing.  Everything is happening in perfect timing.  We may not always (or ever) understand the "why" of our situations, but trust - and faith - in ourselves, in life and in our journey can help to put us at ease, at peace, so we can carry on with our days and live perfectly presently in the moment.

So.... I would like to say a quick thing to Camille the first.  I am not stupid.  I am doing the best I can, in this very moment, with what I am given and with the knowledge I have.  And that is all I can do.

And to all of you reading this... you are beautiful and perfect just as you are.  If you want to believe in something... believe in that.  Because it is the real honest truth.

As Hans Christian King said, "Faith & Belief: Trust that the Universe will be there for you."