Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I'm sorry I'm different...

I'm sorry I'm different.  

It's so easy to judge and point fingers and be cold. To punish and condemn. To make rules and set "boundaries."  To be blind to the truth set before you. 

It's not easy to be understanding and compassionate and open. It takes real effort to break old patterns and dissolve the ego piece by piece. To remove the dense fog from your glasses. 

Sometimes I feel like people punish me for being different. For being me.  For trying to live a life guided by love.  Sometimes, despite all my knowing that it's not true,  I feel so alone in this vast universe.  We are all one yet I feel like the only one. Surrounded by silence, outside of myself a whirlwind of voices and opinions. They all mesh into one giant blob of gray and blurry ugliness.  They're so loud I can't even hear them. All I hear is a muffled echo, all I see is a vastness of fog. 

And one of the grand daddies of topics that people differ on and voice opinions of - raising children. I will never understand why we are so quick to tell our children what they do wrong, that they're being punished, that "it's ok," when clearly to them it's not, to be quiet or sit still. That we don't have time, "not now."  To threaten. To make them fear.  To lie to them to accomplish our own agendas. To make sure we set limits so they know "who is boss."  

Boss?! That has ego written all over it.  

But, why? Why can't we love unconditionally? Listen- really listen to them. Acknowledge how they feel. ASK how they feel. Understand them instead of punish and condemn. Accept who they are, what they like, that they are individuals with fears and insecurities and personalities all their own.  Validate them. Play even when it's messy. Teach kindness by showing kindness. Teach love by giving love freely without asking for anything in return. Know that they came here with their very own path, their own life to fulfill. 

Instead of worrying about "setting rules," why not spend quality time and do what feels right for us as parents to these beautiful beings?  I don't think anyone faces death and says, "Wow, I wish I had been stricter."  More than likely they have said, "Instead of being so strict maybe I could've eased up a little and been more present.  I could've had more fun and spent less time worrying about everything."  -- Not so much focused on the ego and what is "supposed" to be because everyone told you it's so -- but focused on what intuitively feels right and resonates in your heart. 

We breed children that bully and we do it in even the most subtle of ways. And some not so subtle. Let me ask you -- How many lives have to be lost to drugs and alcohol, abuse and suicide before we learn to love each other rather than create divides?  I know that we each have our own path, and that that journey requires there to be challenges and pain. But pain suffered unnecessarily and lives lost at the hands or words or judgment of another, a result of ego and fear, I just find to be so very devastating. 

I can still remember the sting of pain and anguish I felt pumping through my veins some 15 years ago as I chose to take my own life. The paralyzing breathlessness I felt in my chest as I sobbed, full with grief and asking "why?"  Where was love?  Even then I knew there was something bigger out there. Something outside of ourselves. Something more meaningful and pure. My heart breaks knowing that some people choose to take their life and are successful.  When all they needed was a little love to fill their aching and longing hearts. Acceptance. To be heard. Validated. Made to feel important. All things that are free for us to give and receive. 

I find it absolutely curious that some have so much to say on topics they haven't even lived through. Or because they heard it somewhere. Or because that's how they did it.  We know nothing of another person, because we are not them. We cannot know how they feel as we have not lived their life.  Everyone is different. "Wrong" and "right" are so subjective.  And we all have our own thoughts and opinions on what they are. 

So what?! 

At the end of the day does any of it really matter? 

Life is here. It's ours for the taking.  Everyday can be a celebration. It's so precious, and it can end in any moment for any one of us.  Wouldn't it be just so fulfilling to love and be loved? To accept and be accepted? To hear and be heard? To be open and not judge, and to not be judged? Wow.... Think of all the cases of substance abuse that would disappear. Suicides not attempted. Cycles of violence ended.  Think of all the smiles that would replace tears. Extended hands instead of fists. Joy instead of pain. Laughter instead of shouting. --- Love instead of fear. 

I may leave choppy waters in my wake. And I may make what is classified as lots of "mistakes," but I live my life lead by my heart and my soul. I live with passion and love as the driving force. What I do may seem crazy to some, or most, people. But aren't I entitled to experience this lifetime how I so choose if I am doing so out of a great love and appreciation for all that there is? 

I'm sorry I'm different. Or maybe I'm really not

I am only truly sorry for hiding in the shadows for 3 decades and allowing life to pass me by, and others to steer my ship.  For allowing the divinity within to be overpowered by all things fear and ego. 

I am sorry I tried to eliminate something so precious. And vow to never take it for granted again. To share love, to stay true to myself and to move forward with passion and vigor. And to grab as many passengers as I can to join me on this ride. 

- Bon voyage. 


Photo credit: Jonathan Adams. 

Friday, June 6, 2014

There it was, again...

I was going to the bathroom (yes, I was... I have to be accurate in telling the story) and in walks Raja (in telling an accurate story, please note that my time is no longer my own - no matter what someone is around no matter what I am doing - furry or 2 legged children).

I took a moment to truly stop and look into her eyes.

And there it was, again.

It has hit me before with my last Rottie, Ursa... and with Raja on several occasions.  But, inevitably it leaves and there are lapses in time where I forget, again.  And I need a reminder.  In a big way.

Well, there she was.  Staring at me with her big brown eyes, her ears back.  All she wanted was for me to stop for a moment to pet her and love her.  She didn't care what I was doing, that I was in the bathroom, what I was wearing or what I looked like.  She doesn't even see any of that; she sees me beneath it.  I could be painted purple, wearing some hideous outfit, and smell really, really awful.  And it would make no difference whatsoever (if that's not heart warming, I don't know what is).

It occurred to me at that very moment that Raja, as an example, knows no other kind of love than true and unconditional love.

  • I could be having an awful day, cranky and ugly in temperament:  she wouldn't care and she would still be there.  She would still wag her butt and stub for a tail, happy, every single time she saw me, even if I was only gone a few moments.  And she would still want me to share my love with her, petting her and being with her.
  • I could ignore her the whole day and leave her by herself:  she wouldn't care and she would still be there. 
  • I could yell at her for walking under my feet or being in my way on an irritable day: she wouldn't care and she would still be there. 
  • I could withhold her food, treats, toys - anything she enjoys or needs: she wouldn't care and she would still be there. 
  • I could be crying, whispering, speaking another language: she wouldn't care and she would still be there. 
I think you get the point... I can do any number of things, including heinous acts (not that I would), but she wouldn't care and she would still be there.  

It's amazing, actually.  To think about that level of love, free from conditions.  Freedom from the "ego."  Freedom from the victim role, insecurities and self limiting beliefs.  

Total freedom and a full, divine expression of love.  

I am so very humbled by my bathroom visitor.

And so grateful for the reminder of a love to strive for.