A candid Father's Day reflection...

My relationship with men is just about as expansive and well-rounded as you can get... 

I have loved them, hated them, respected them, minimized them, wanted to be them, shunned them, liked them, and been incredibly intrigued by them. They have been my best friends, enemies, I have trusted them and I have majorly distrusted them. They have been victim of my shit, and I have been at the hand of their abuse. They have hurt me, they have loved me, and I have done both to them. I've had many more male friends and relationships than I ever have had with women. And I have had more ups and downs and all-arounds (rollercoaster rides) with men than with women. By far. 

As a child, I adored my father with every fiber of my being. And I was the center of his world. But there was some conflict there. I was loved so dearly, given anything and everything I ever wanted, but the love felt very conditional in ways. I believed I was to be a certain way, or else I was not treated with love. I was reprimanded. Being just a child, I didn't understand fear, or worldly things or lofty concepts yet, and I was not yet jaded. But as a result of this disconnection to true love and light, the disconnect I could feel between others and their divine self, I began to set up a false belief system I carried everywhere I went that I was not good enough, that I was only loved when conditions were met, that I was able to be pushed aside or victimized for being myself.  That being me was fundamentally flawed. And this continued and escalated into my teen years where my relationship with my father began to take a turn for the worse. We were at odds. I was depressed.  I was rebellious. There was (real) love lacking and fear/ego had gone haywire. (Of course underneath it all, we loved each other but we did not know how to deal with the reflection the other person held up for us.)

So, I turned to other men for attention and love. From teens to twenties, I dated more men than I can count and liked a wide variety of them. Most "relationships" didn't last very long. Just weeks, really. And I was on to the next one. I was unfaithful, moving on to someone else almost instantly. Often times, before the current fling even knew I had moved on (mentally and emotionally and physically). 

Then, suddenly, there reached a period of time where I became wildly monogamous. And this pattern continued into my thirties. I would find one man, devote my all, and never pass another glance at any other men. A year and a half there, a 6 year relationship into marriage here, another two year relationship there.... and lastly, a two and a half year relationship that brings us to the present. 

Not much has changed. 

This love/hate, push/pull thing has been going on for as long as I can remember. And at the end of it all, I always find myself questioning why I am where I am. Why doesn't love last? I end up broken hearted, disappointed, seeking, sulking, hurting, angry and questioning so many things about myself, others and life. 

It comes as no surprise, I bet, that I spent 90 days at the onset of my last relationship asking questions, finding answers and really devoting the time to some serious digging. The result was a book I wrote about Love. The (Real) Love Experiment: Explore Love, Relationships & The Self was born. It helped me in ways I didn't know possible and it has helped many others. But still, after the book was finished, my life took a turn I wasn't expecting. And I was slammed with all the ups and downs that I had endured my life-long, and in many ways harder than before. I do have other books brewing, but this time of self-reflection and living the words in my first book have brought me here in this moment. This journey is one that I began fully committed to, and remain today. 

Despite my falls, despite my failures and setbacks, despite the pain and anguish I felt on many days, I continue on. And the greatest lesson I continually take from this profound, albeit sometimes exhausting, journey is this...

Our relationships are a reflection of our inner state. 

As I repeated many times over in the book, relationships are our greatest mirrors and teachers. They show us where we are at, what we need to learn, what we need to let go or of heal, and which direction to go next. Relationships are no coincidence. The people in our lives are there for a reason. As Gabbie Bernstein puts it so perfectly, "the world is your classroom and other people are your assignments." 

We must  truly honor the people in our lives. They show up when and where we need them, if nothing more than to show us our point of attraction (our own energy). But often times, they come with many more gifts than that... even when the gifts come as challenges, obstacles, discord, disagreement, pain and such. 

My weeble-wobble relationship with men is indicative of the flux going on internally. It highlights my own self-worth issues, lack of confidence, feelings of instability, seeking external validation, feeling unappreciated or fundamentally not good enough, wrong or unlovable. 

While relationships highlight all of our "shit," our only answer is love, presence and self-fulfillment.  

I learned that we must give ourselves what we seek from others.  No man could love me enough or put me on a pedestal high enough (but thanks for trying!) to keep me feeling lovable, good enough or fulfilled. [and on the flip side of the same coin, I had to learn that my value is not determined by anyone else's opinions or actions] That was my job. And I wasn't very successful at it because of the old, non-serving stories and self-limiting beliefs I was carrying around (and still do to a degree). 

If I am seeking out love and acceptance from some one else, validation or to feel important, that means I am not doing the housework and homework. I must find self-love, acceptance and feel good enough on my own. 

How do we do that? We can begin by forgiving ourselves and others. By realizing that we always do the best we can with the resources we have and sometimes we just don't know any better. If we did, we would do better. Forgive.  Accept. And be gentle with yourself. We are perfect, divine creatures. We are innocent at our core. And as Marianne Williamson says, "Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help (for love)." 

Even our imperfections are a perfect match for our life purpose and path. All puzzle pieces that create the whole. We are whole already. We do not need anything outside of ourself to be whole or lovable. No one can plug up our holes; only we can fill our own voids by realizing our true essence. By living authentically, honestly and humbly. By being grateful. Gratitude opens the door to so much positive experience and abundance. We are rich; our lives are full of love. We are love. It's our true essence. 

Begin to heal the pain from the past by building a state of awareness and presence today. Even if you begin with just one minute a day, being present and aware (amplified by a meditation practice) brings you to the here and Now where everything - including you - is perfect and at peace. You are not your past. It does not define you. And the things from your past do not exist today. You may be carrying them with you and keeping them alive, but it is all an illusion. It's ok to begin to let go... to heal the wounds... to find your true being, your inner child staring at you, waiting for you to return to yourself. Patient, loving, kind and compassionate. He/she is always there. Ready to take this adventure with you.

Don't judge or punish others for their role in your life; thank them for bringing things to light for you. For showing you what you want, don't want, need, desire, have to heal, change or grow into. Thank them for sharing this intense journey with you, and no matter how it ended, if it ended, know that there were so many gifts left with you both, if you are ready and choose to see it as such. 

Byron Katie says, "All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear." And what does this mean? There's a reason that things bother you, bug you, drive you mad, hurt you, scare you or upset you. And none of it has anything to do with the other person. It's all about you. Your shadow self, the part you deny, and the pain you carry with you from the past to the present. We do not see people as they are, we see them as we are. Always.  

I'm not quite sure why men have played the role they have in my life, from a soul-standpoint. But I know it's for a reason. Or many reasons. And I know it has already birthed many miracles in my life and pushed me to become who I am today, which is closer to who I am meant to be and why I came here in the first place. The ups and downs have only been a very clear reflection of my own inner state. I am ready to begin to truly love and honor men, and most importantly, myself. And I am ready to begin this next chapter, to continue the journey to peace, love, joy and fulfillment. And sharing it with the World Wide Web (the divine web of interconnected beings, that is). 

And so today... I would like to honor all of the men in my life, whether past, present or future. Thank you for the role you have played in making me who I am today. For the lessons you have taught me and continue to teach me. Forgive me for the pain I may have ignited within you. Thank you for the love you have given me, for the love I have felt in my own heart. Thank you for showing up as my earthly assignments. Thank you for sharing this magnificent, giant classroom with me. There is no greater honor. 

In the words of Namaste...

My soul honors your soul. 
I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.
I honor the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you, because it is also within me.
In sharing these things, we are united. We are the same. 
We are one.

Happy Father's Day 2017.
xo

Thanks, Mom...

Today I am going to give a huge shout-out to my Mother.  

The woman that brought me into this world continues to remind me of why I am here in the first place... She has become (perhaps always was) one of my greatest support systems, friends and teachers. 

Life is not always easy. And lately, my life has challenged me in so many ways there are days I feel like it's so far ahead of me I cannot catch up. 

I often get overwhelmed by what is going on around me, my external world, and become defeated and fear-based. Little by little, I lose the glimmer of hope that normally keeps me going. I let people steal my power, my sparkle and my shine. I let a lack of sleep interfere in my normal joy and tolerance. I let life's challenges chip away at my strength, resilience and determination. And slowly, I fall.  And hard.

I was having a particularly overwhelming day yesterday. I said, "I've just had it with everyone and everything." (can you relate to this feeling?)

She looked at me straight in the face, serious as can be, with so much passion and emphasis on what she said, she seemed emotional. She said, "Camille, you have so much to accomplish still in your life. Do NOT let anyone or anything get in the way of that." 

It was maybe the first time anyone has ever said that to me. Maybe, it was the way she said it that stopped me dead in my tracks. I am not positive why it was so impactful but it literally felt like time stopped for a second. It felt as though she froze time, grabbed the run-away train and put it back on course after being derailed, and I was just observing this from the outside.

Wow.  

I do have so much to accomplish.  

I have so much life to live. And here I am, giving my power away to everyone and everything outside of myself.  Allowing "life" to dictate how I feel, where I go, and how far I get. Letting other people and circumstances determine my value and worth. Whether I feel good or bad. Forgetting why I'm here in the first place.

I came here with a very specific life path...as we all did. I have lessons to learn, missions to accomplish. We all do. But when we are too busy playing victim, or giving our power away, we cannot live the life we intended to or become the people we are meant to be. 

We must take ownership, fully, and step back into our own Power. We have so much life left to live, and so many things to accomplish. So much joy and love to share and experience. So many opportunities, lessons, insights to gain. Don't lose sight of that. Do not forget that you came here for a reason...and that reason was never to give it all away or shrink away because of people, places or things outside of you. 

Make the choice today to remember why you are here. 
To remember that you have the Power and the power is in those (your) choices. 
Start living. Fully. Today.

And when you fall (which we all do), pick yourself back up.

Let me remind you today what my Mother reminded me of... 

You have so much to accomplish in this life. 
Do not let anyone or anything interfere in that. 
Stay on track, keep going. 
It's so worth it. And you are so worth it.

Well, that was intense...

So, today I got to visit a Barn (for the first time in years) and I went to yoga (for the first time in almost a year). I'd call that a successful day. #success

Let's rewind for a minute...

This morning, I got myself and my youngest daughter ready, and drove out to Rockaby Farms in Yaphank where I'll be holding my event in two weeks. While I waited for the studio owner to show up, my daughter and I stood outside, the sun blazing, the horses neighing, the chickens doing whatever it is chickens do (she was just delighted by one chicken nearby)... it was so peaceful, so beautiful. I spent much of my childhood horseback riding, on and off, and the Barn and its scents and sensations still resonates deeply with me. We hung around for a while, met with the Studio owner, dropped off some flyers for the event, met one of her instructors and saw the Reiki practitioner, spent a few more moments outside observing the animals and went back home. 

My daughter loved the farm just as much as I did. It was a really quiet, beautiful hour. I was in my childhood glory and still happy for hours after. 

Later on, I committed to going back to yoga for the first time since last summer when I had to stop after only going three times (after almost a decade of being pretty sedentary, with the later years pregnant or nursing, then again) due to undiagnosed medical conditions. I've recently had some new medical issues and am waiting on an MRI (I don't often go to the doctors and when I do it usually ends up a mystery to all and I carry on with life as if it never happened), but really felt called to go back to yoga even despite my possible limitations. I called the studio and spoke to a man on the phone that reassured me that starting is what was important, and to go at my own pace. Just be where you are. If I treated it that way, and not a competition, just the fact I was going would be a great step.  This validated how I already felt. I reserved my spot. 

At 415, I arrived at the yoga studio. 

The class begin shortly after, and we set our intentions for the next 75 minutes. My intention was to have the strength to get through the class, sent some love to people close to me, and asked that I also be given the strength to carry myself through the current transition to the next phase of my life. 

I'm not sure if it was the heat (hot Vinyasa yoga), the music ("Come Away with Me" by Norah Jones) or the simple but absolutely profound message the instructor gave, but towards the end of class I found myself crying on the mat (I've only heard of this happening to a select few, and wondered how and why it did). The movement, the message, the music was all reaching me in an intense way. I was deeply moved. She said, quite frequently throughout class, that being on the mat prepared us for life. That pain, and struggle, never lasted. It always ends. It passes. The pain goes away... it never stays.  If you hold on, it will move through you and pass. 

I was amazed by what my body was able to do after such a long reprieve when I simply focused intently on the moment and quieted the chatter of my mind. I was so much stronger than I realized. I was able to do way more than I imagined I would be able to. I didn't focus on what the others were doing.  I just paid close attention to the instructions and my own body. And how powerful is this, when applied to life?  When we are not consumed by thoughts of the past, future or present, to comparing ourselves to everyone and everything else, and when we quiet the mind and its chatter and self-limiting beliefs, we can do so much more than we anticipated. We have strength we didn't even realize we had. We have what it takes to get through the pain until it passes, because it never lasts.  

As you hold a yoga pose (go through a phase of life), if you stay ever-present and fully experience all that is going on in the Now, you gain the strength to get through the suffering and then it ends... just the same way it came. 

Albeit emotional for me, and a challenge, this was exactly what I needed (there are no coincidences). I felt compelled to share this story, and instill a sense of hope and determination in you. Whatever you are going through right now, know that the pain will pass. You can get through it, and you will.  

The instructor also said, whenever we are having difficult in life, "return to the mat."  Be with yourself. Quiet your mind, tune into your body, and come back to your original intention(s). Stay intently focused in the present moment and know that you have what it takes. You are strong enough. You are beautiful enough. You are worthy and priceless. The pain comes and goes, but your everlasting, magnificent Self shines on and carries on. 

With so much gratitude and love in my heart, I left class... to return to life. Knowing that I have what it takes to get through the challenges and extend love outward, and that one day the pain will be gone. And all I will remember is the beauty of the experience and journey. 

Sending so much love and light to carry you through anything you may be going through right now, any suffering or pain, and to lift you and bring you hope during the challenging times. I'll see you on the other side, my friend.

Namaste.

xo

Everyone's hair is messy sometimes...

Though I have not pushed my daughter in any which way to strive to be "perfect," and in fact I have tried to tell her to relax a bit (with a lot of "who cares"), she tends to be a little perfectionist. I can't judge; when I had the time to tend to the details, I was one, too. Dot all your I's and cross all your T's.  

Apparently, when I was a little girl I would get mad if there was one tiny bump in my pony tail.  However, my mother always made sure my hair was perfect. So I must have picked this up from her.  No one liked doing my hair because I always gave them a hard time and made them do it over.... many times. (arghhh)

When I do my eldest daughter's hair upon her request (the only one who has hair long enough to do anything to), I don't really pay attention to the bumps or loose, fly-away pieces.  For starters, she has really curly hair! I've never promoted perfectionism and it's been an eternity since I cared about what my hair looked like (who was that person?). Now that I remember how I was, it's quite humorous... but she takes her hair out multiple times before the bus comes and makes me redo her hair. Sometimes she gives up on me, and does it herself.  It's just never good enough.  I'm certainly not good enough at it.  And it has to be perfect! No bumps! 

She goes on to tell me about so-and-so's hair and how it's just perfect and slick back... not one bump!! And I try to tell her that no one is perfect. And I highly doubt that so-and-so has perfect hair everyday.  That would be near impossible. And who cares, anyway? It's just hair. You're 7 (OK, I admit in writing this, I realize that sounds sort of dismissive! I just try to get her to lighten up a bit).

She displays other behaviors that vividly illustrate her perfectionism in play (did I mention she's a Virgo?). And I wonder how she developed them when I haven't really promoted it or enabled it. The more kids I had and the older they get, the more I realize how some things are just so individual... it really has so much to do with personality. 

Well, the other day something very funny happened.  I never really think she's listening to me because she fidgets and changes the subject and acts very antsy when I try to have "talks" with her or teach her life lessons. So, imagine my surprise when she threw my advice back at me like a hot potato. 

Me: We really have to change all your shirts before company comes. 
Her: Why? It's fine...
Me: Yea, but there is dirt all over them from playing outside.
Her: So what mom? No one is perfect. 
Me: (chuckle) You're right.
Her: You told me this. Now I'm teaching you a lesson. 
Me: Oh, thank you... (laughs)
Her: Everyone's hair is messy sometimes.

Yes.... everyone's hair is messy sometimes.  

And by hair... I mean hair...and life. 

Thanks, little one. I am glad you were listening.... and I appreciate the reminder. 

Living Lack versus.....Living.

Previous Blog: 
Incorporate things into your life, instead of feeling lack that you do not have time (money, resources, etc.) for them.  

Common perception is that when we don't have something, there's a reason.  And we have a laundry list of reasons why we don't have that said something. Ultimately, our perception and mind-frame is rooted in lack. 

All those (countless) days that I was waiting for "one day" to come, I would envision my dream life in my mind's eye and it felt wonderful. I would be exhilarated, an so excited! But shortly thereafter, my excitement and bliss would turn to dread and helplessness and anger and sadness and a whole assortment of juicy emotions that all could be traced back to lack. 

What I want is not here now. 

I want it now. Why is it not here now? 

I can't have it now. 

Why can't I have it now? 

Why is this my life? 

Why am I here now? 

Why? Why? Why? 

While some of the questions helped me to reflect and modify what I was doing, most of it was fruitless, and kept me stuck in this rabid cycle of negativity. Which, in turn, would keep my external life showing up in much the same way, validating the fact that I was living in lack. Such is the Law of Attraction and vibration.

After becoming aware of my lack-mentality, it still took me a very long time to address it and shift it to a new, healthy perception and inspired action(s). Although we are often looking for ah-ha epiphany, sky-opening, water-parting moments of enlightenment (I sure am!), some times our processes are just gradual evolutions that very well may resemble grass growing. 

I kept receiving the message, "incorporate things into your life." 

At this point, I'd heard the message so many times... yet I still felt the sting of bitterness that my life was not what I wanted it to be. And I was finger-pointing why it wasn't what I wanted it to be.  Even so, I slowly began doing what I could, squeezing things I saw in my dream-life-vision into tiny pockets of time in my actual life. I would read in the bath while the water filled up, or while putting my girls to bed, or while waiting on line or on hold on the phone. I capitalized on every free 2 minute interval I could find. I began a meditation practice right before bed, even if it was just for 5 minutes. It wasn't much but it was something.

Then one day, as I mentioned in the previous blog, it hit me (this was brought on by slight nudges and then the more obvious face-slapping, signs I was receiving or passages I was reading): without a real connection to who I am, I will never be whole, happy, peaceful, or content... but with self-discovery, exploration and expression, there is nothing more that I need. This was definitely an ah-ha moment... though perhaps it wasn't of grandiose proportions (Score! I'll take it!).

The real reason my life felt so empty was not because I wasn't exercising, reading, drawing, painting, being creative or crafty, writing, going out, getting dressed up (cue the laundry list...and while this list of things "missing" didn't help the void, it was not the root cause of it).  It was because I had lost sight of who I was. I had stopped self-expressing. I had quieted my voice. And I began living a version of life that did not exemplify who I am and what I am about. 

Once we re-align with our true selves, any small moment we spend doing something is meaningful.  And if we can't do something, that's okay too. But those moments where we incorporate things into our life, feel amazing. And the more grateful we are, the more opportunities open up for us to incorporate even more great-feeling things in (or at least our eyes open to more ways we can). 

• This blog is a living example. I wrote a book in 2015, and I have barely written since. I kept feeling the nudge, "you should be writing..." but always had a reason I couldn't write (too tired, not enough energy, writer's block, nothing to say, not enough time, etc.). It didn't take much for me to sit down and write yesterday and today. And it felt really good to be able to do it. And it's inspired me to continue on.  Sometimes we have to just Shut the F*&$ up with the excuses and just make time, even if it's 30 seconds. Half the battle is overcoming our mind-frame that says we can't. One of my favorite quotes is by Jim Rohn, "If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse." So true. You just can't argue with that (well, you can, and you will if you're still playing the victim card, intentionally or not... but the heart of the matter is, it's dead-on). People find a way when they want something bad enough.

Living in lack, or perceiving our lives (or selves) as missing something, is a sure-fire way to keep it going and circling back around time and again. You can find yourself in a rut for years, if not decades. But, if we are just slightly open to the possibility that we can incorporate things into our lives, a whole new world opens up at out fingertips. 

Perception is powerful. 

Self-expression is vital.

And everything is figureoutable (Marie Forleo).

Addendum.....?

Sometimes I write blogs, then afterwards about 10 things come to mind in rapid succession that I want to write to explain something in further detail, or piggyback on... it just never feels like I give enough to fully embody what I am trying to say or the points I am trying to get across. And the messages have so many layers! (insert playful shrug and pout)

In an attempt to satisfy my own neurosis, I am going to try something out. Subsequent, explanatory blog posts that are in sequence, addressing what was written prior. 

• So, why do we continually do things that are not good for us? 
• Why do we stay status-quo, when how we are living is not really lighting us up or fueling our passion-fire? 
• Why have we given up in so many areas of life? 

We look externally to plug up our holes, to find fulfillment or happiness. We spend so much time "waiting" for something to come, for "one day" to arrive, for something to "change." Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't... But anything that is found outside of us can only be temporarily satisfying at best. 

We stay as-is out of fear; fear of failure, rejection, success, the unknown, feeling unworthy or believing conditioned thoughts that really don't serve us or our purpose here. Maybe we don't feel good enough, or don't believe we deserve more. Maybe we don't think it's possible, that there's not enough to go around, or we've been told we're just a "dreamer." 

"Stay safe, Dreamer. Play small. Stay with what you know. Don't get too far ahead of yourself... it is NOT safe." 

After careful observation, I have come to many conclusions and insights, and have a deeper level of understanding about myself. For years, I have fallen victim to my own circumstance. I always felt I didn't have "enough" - enough time, money, etc. Something was always in the way... it was just a small bug, not an epidemic, so I stayed status-quo, succumbing to my circumstances and waiting for things to change "one day." I felt that this was being patient. I called it all sorts of positive-sounding words. I believed it, though, and kept waiting... patient...patient...patient...  (And, I'm not really that patient so this wasn't easy and consumed large quantities of energy to maintain).

In hindsight, after flailing and struggling my way through this "awareness" and "enlightenment" thing, it's become clear as day to me that there is only one thing I truly need in order to have joy, peace, love and fulfillment. There's just one set of requirements that trumps all else. 

First, there is the understanding that I am not missing anything externally. I am not lacking anything that the external world can give me. And nothing the external world can give me will make me whole. 

• Suddenly having free time and getting out of the house more often will not make me happy long-term. 
• Going out and having fun will not make me whole. 
• Buying things or consuming food or drinks will not light me up with passion and fire to fuel my days. 

If I am not living my truth, self-expressing and living authentically, there is absolutely nothing that the external world can give me or that will come "one day" that will keep me happy and living fully. And, on the other side of the same coin, there is nothing else I need when I am living freely, exploring and expressing. I am content, playful, enthusiastic... I am whole and inspired and at peace. I can live Love, which is what we truly are. 

There is absolutely nothing in this world that can replace our own self-expression. When we are betraying ourselves (living a lie, omitting, hiding who we are, giving up, settling, staying stuck, quieting our voice, not listening to our intuition, etc.) and not shining our unique light out on to this world, there is an emptiness inside us that keeps us wishing, wanting, waiting, plugging holes and playing small. 

When we realign with our inner Truth, become aware of our inner guidance system and feelings and emotions, shift our focus and our perception off of lack and onto curiosity about who and all we are, life becomes fun, again.  Exciting. Meaningful. Joyous. Fulfilling. Peaceful. The list goes on and on... 

All we really need is to be connected to ourselves, to the source and essence of who we really are. To gently allow - and maybe even welcome - ourselves to be loving expressions of what makes us who we are. Embrace our individuality. Our imperfect perfection. Our divine design. Celebrate what makes you who you are.  Live your truth. Speak your mind. Say no when you mean no. Say yes when you mean yes. Be boldly authentic. Fiercely passionate about what drives you and lights you up. Reconnect with the childlike wonder and presence you once knew so well.  Invite your inner child to play... and to heal. Soften the walls around your heart, replace bitterness with gratitude, and enjoy the peace and stillness that can be found in each beautiful moment. 

Move. Speak. Play. Work. The options are endless... 

Incorporate things into your life, instead of feeling lack that you do not have time (money, resources, etc.) for them. 

But whatever you do, do not wait for "one day" to come. Today is one day.  And the only day that matters.

Namaste, friends.
Love and light.
xo

Just can't let the bad stuff go....

On and off throughout my life, I was a cigarette smoker (this may surprise you as it doesn't really fit my persona). The on-again, off-again trend began late in high school. There were periods where I smoked for years, and then there would be years I was smoke-free. 

After gathering enough data about my cigarette usage through this weeble-wobble, love-hate relationship, I began to realize that I felt much happier when I was a non-smoker.  Smoking made me irritable and I would build life around the habit. I also used a smoke-break to plug holes or fill gaps I wasn't interested in exploring in "real life" like stressful moments as a coping mechanism, boredom, or a full belly. And, I felt guilty about smoking...even tho I really did enjoy it (probably because I associated it with void-filling). 

So, here is this thing that I know is bad for me on so many levels. 

1. It's unhealthy for my body (cue endless research, both personally and professionally... yes, I would get sick more often as a smoker than non).
2. It makes me irritable.
3. I feel bad about smoking.
4. It sways my thinking (coordinating life around when I am going to smoke).
5. No, nix #4... it actually hijacks my brain.
6. I know I am happier when I am a non-smoker.

But, letting go of this thing that I know is no good for me, isn't easy. And I wonder, why the f*&# is it so hard to stop??? 

It is incredibly hard to let go, and leave it behind, even knowing all about the itemized list above. 

Well, here's the thing.  Smoking just is.  It's neutral. It's not good or bad or anything. It just exists. What makes smoking "bad" is the meaning we put on it, the data we collect, the feelings we have, the emotions we bury with it, the patterns and conditioning that we now attach to the habit, the ways we use it to numb ourselves.   

I think the most dangerous "side effect" of my smoking addiction was how I used it to numb myself, to avoid pain and discomfort and to develop less than healthy coping mechanisms for life. 

There is a poem I heard recently at a mindfulness seminar, and I think it'll beautifully illustrate what I wish to say next... 

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Pain comes to us bearing gifts just the same that joy does. We never know what lies at the front door, but if we welcome it, or at least allow it, we may uncover the wisdom asking to be seen and shared. We are here to have a human experience, yet so often we are trying to avoid the emotions and feelings that come along with that. 

To give up something - person, place or thing - even though we know it is not good for us, we must commit to change, to welcome the unknown or at least accept it, and all of the human experience that comes along with that. Fear of the unknown can be crippling, and so often we stay in the clutches of something that isn't good for us, just because it's what we know and it's safe because of that. 

What many of us may not realize is that until we fully feel our emotions, they stay stuck and trapped inside us. In order to release something, we must fully feel it.  We do not have to attach to it, or identify with it, but we must let it move through us... when we are numbing ourselves, avoiding pain, building life around vices, and justifying our behaviors when we know that something isn't right for us, we are dimming our own light... we are breaking our contracts and promises we made long ago... we are resisting our own highest good, perhaps, and not embracing this beautiful life experience at its fullest. 

To feel the joys of life, we must be open... and that means we are open to feel all of life. 

After quitting, I realized the discomfort faded slowly and the pain was only temporary. But the benefits were so great, once I got through that initial pain period of withdrawing and driving myself mad, I couldn't remember why I ever smoked in the first place. 

Change = discomfort.  

But just like setting a bone, the pain is only temporary and once it is over, you are left with the permanent gift of having something being right - and healthy - for you in the long run. 

Emotions come like waves. Joy comes and goes, pain comes and goes. Each is temporary... taking turns, like the waves in the ocean. This is all part of our humanity; this is why we are here. We did not decide to inhabit Earth as feeling, thinking Humans... just to find every which way to kill ourselves, numb ourselves, dumb ourselves down, avoid the experience we signed up for, and cruise through on auto-pilot.  We came to have a physical experience and to feel... to really feel... and that includes pain, pleasure and everything in between. 

Yes. Giving things up is hard. Even when we know they're bad for us. 

But... what's even harder is living your life, knowing you haven't really lived at all.