I've fallen in love... a lot.

I have fallen in love...a lot.  I'm getting pretty good at it.

And the greatest part is, I am about to do it, again.

The truth is, I fall in love all the time.  Maybe not everyday, but close to it (I am human, after all).  

Let me explain.

At first, many years ago, I thought that falling in love was reserved for some Knight-in-Shining-Armor fairy tale where the two main characters fall madly in love and live a blissful existence in the magical kindgom in the woods (I am so smirking right now).  Seeing as that isn't exactly how the story goes in real life, and realizing that I wasn't even really capable of that kind of love, I've had to shift my perception just a bit (or a lot).

Love is so much more than the fairytale we have in our heads, the one we grow up telling ourselves or seeking out in every corner of the earth. In fact, real love is so expansive, it cannot be dreamt up in a vision in our mind.  It's so much more than that. We could never imagine how big it is, bigger than us and our limited imaginations.  Our human cannot possibly contain it or grasp the concept of its fullness and aliveness.  

I surmise I got my first glimpse of unconditional love as an adult when my first daughter was born.  Ava Vera (Life and Truth).  I fell in love, again, when my second daugther was born.  Arya Vesta (Precious/Pure and Goddess of the Hearth and Home).  [I include the meaning of their names because it seems that as they were born into this world, I was to learn lessons relating to the meaning of their names.]  I now anticipate the arrival of my third little girl, Alessia Veda (Defender of Mankind, Knowledge/Widsom)...and falling in love all over, again.

With each baby, with each life chapter that opens and closes, then a new one begins, I learn great lessons.  Some I never could've imagined would "happen" to me. Some I didn't think I would emotionally survive (or physically). Some (most) I didn't feel ready or prepared for.  And I've had to let go of almost everything... my limited beliefs, my fears, my conditioning, my perceived identity.

From the new vantage point, I am able to fall in love and learn to trust a little deeper.  With life, with my soul, with my babies, family, friends and the man I am with.  Nature, animals, beautiful things.  Choices, chances and synchronicity.  Challenges, even...for the opportunities they bring with them.

And that's the thing about children... just their energetic presence is enough to bring on or inspire profound change in the lives around them.  And they're often birthed alongside some soul lessons for their parents.

My life looks far from that fairytale does.  In fact, if you were watching it from above, and my world was contained in a little snowglobe for your viewing pleasure, you'd probably say you cannot find any resemblance to that fairytale "picture" whatsoever.  But that's the beauty and irony of it... and the thing about really falling in love.

Love doesn't judge and it certainly isn't biased.  It can flow into every street corner, every crevice of existence.  It can light up any life, no matter how it looks.  It invites Grace in, Gratitude and a sense of fullness that cannot be found elsewhere.  Especially not in that "perfect" fairytale.  After all, that's just a story we chase after. An image.  An ideal or an idea.  A creation of the ego. The good stuff is real, tangible and right in front of us in each moment.  Instead of a well-defined picture (that brings with it disappointment when it isn't met exactly down to the colors and smells in the vision), there's room for the ebb and flow of life, including space for things to show up (and leave).  The focus is on appreciation of what is, instead of lack (what's missing from the picture).

I'm so ready to fall in love, again.  To discover and experience even more.  To expand.

“The core of the life wish is eternal Soul Love. Love does not seek reaction, cling to expectation, or fear disappointment. Love is not concerned with the ego’s understanding of physical reality. The true energy of Love confidently and unwaveringly burns away all sediment that clings to story while dropping us into the naked and raw hum of right now. The guidance of Love is direct and always married to Presence. It is not concerned with granting wants or wishes.” - Excerpt From “Meet Your Soul.” Elisa Romeo.

Bring it on, little peanut #3.

Milestones...or Memories?

I've observed a theme throughout life, as I reached adolescence and beyond.  It probably begins in our 20s, and I've observed it happen time and again to people in their 30s, 40s and 50s.  Though I have yet to personally hear of this experience from someone in their 60s or older, I am most positive it must occur to them, as well.

So what is this "pattern" exactly? It is... milestones.  As we approach any new chapter - in particular, birthdays - we naturally begin to reflect and take inventory of our lives.  Some people have a hard time turning a new age, like 30 or 40 or 50.  They allow their emotions to fall prey to the ego that tells them where they are versus where they "should" be.  It's the "Chasing Carrots" syndrome, the lack mentality.  We strive to reach a goal of some kind, a milestone, and we aren't happy until we "have" that goal met.  But when we meet that goal it soon gets old and comfortable and we reach for more. When we reflect on missed milestones (we are not where we think we should be, planned to be, wanted to be, society tells us we should be, so on and so forth) we are vibrating on the frequency of lack. A negative, lower energy plane.

Sure, sometimes we don't get what we "want" or thought we "needed."  Not even close.  Sometimes we miss the mark by what seems like an impossible to measure distance.  Sometimes we get close and fall just a tad short. Other times our road curves and takes us someplace we never imagined in our wildest dreams.  Sometimes we face tragedies that take us off course or stop our course.  Maybe we aren't a vibrational match for our desires, we are stuck in old patterns that don't serve us.

No matter what, even when we don't think we got what we "wanted," and we wish we were someone else, somewhere else, doing something else, the truth is we always get what we need on our journey.  Where we are is perfect, right now, and divinely inspired and guided.  I say, it's not the milestones that count but the memories.

We can change our path at any given moment or accept where we are and enjoy it. It is all up to us, it is all our choice.  There will be external variables that come up as part of our path and are out of our control.  That is life.  But we can control our experience, our attitude and our gratitude.  Ultimately, our joy.  

If we are living good lives, we feel good and happy and are sharing love, what else matters? Sure, we could be doing X, Y or Z, but we are doing A, B and C instead.  Embrace all that makes up your life. At the end of the long day, as the dark veil of night closes upon you and you reflect on your Earthly life, you will cherish the moments you were present, felt alive and lived in love.  You will not spend but a moment wishing you had attained more or gained superficiality.

So, you can spend your time wishing for something else, feeling bad and settling into the role of victim to life or you can spend that same time grateful for all the blessings you are surrounded by and taking full ownership of your experience here.  Either way, the time passes and all you have is right Now.  This moment.  It's your right and choice how to spend it and feel about it.

Your soul yearns for experience, grace and unconditional love.  Get out there and start living.  Toss out the "should've, could've, would've" milestones and start making some real memories.  

Who I was...

I began a blog last night, feeling both inspired yet wearing a heavy heart. I was motivated to sit down outside and write. To let the outpouring come, silently held in nature's arms. I wrote and wrote, and to my surprise my kids even stayed asleep long enough for me to finish. I closed the laptop, satisfied, and intended on publishing the next morning (this morning) when I was able to search for an old photo I wanted to use to accompany the blog post. 

Excitedly, as I sat at my desk this morning, I opened up blogger. The majority of the post was gone. There was only a few sentences remaining. Devastated and confused, I spent an hour trying to recover the draft. No success. I googled and searched and tried just about anything I could think of. Even trying to trick the computer. I asked a dear, old friend of mine for some tech advice, and we began catching up some while I tried the suggestion he sent me. Frustrated it didn't work, I gave up. Reluctantly. 

We continued chatting and a few minutes later, the very topic I had written about the night before came up. It was so synchronistic, so perfect and beautiful. I remembered most of my important points I touched on in the blog the night before, and felt even more motivated to rewrite it and publish it. It was a clear sign for me. So maybe tonight, as I sit here, again, cradled by the whisper of the night, I will create something more powerful than I did last night. This morning I wondered if there could be a purpose for losing the blog. Tonight, I trust there was. And will do my best to recreate what I shared, adding to it new insights and feelings that have come up for me since. 

Enjoy. 

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The wind chimes are singing, beautifully, in sync with each other (I have 4 in the tree that stands next to the deck). As I close my eyes, and listen intently, with the breeze blowing softly across my face, I feel at peace. I can hear each wind chime as it participates in the song of the whole. Each one fits magically into the symphony. Though unique, each chime adds to the treasure of the combined music. Together, the four parts make the most melodious tune that touches not only my ears, but my heart. My soul. It becomes hard to distinguish where one chime ends and another begins. It's a perfect union. 

Thinking back to childhood, at just 9 years old, I was made fun of for my passions and interests.  For being who I was. I was so divinely innocent, so passionate, so curious. So enthusiastic. I was drawn to animals and the arts. 

At any given moment you could find me playing with something related to animals, outside, reading, writing or art. Sometimes a combination of the  mentioned activities. And usually, I was alone. An only child, I was shy and an introvert. I've always been an (quiet) observer. This trait later won me the name "bitch" on many occasions. But as a child, I was just vulnerable and awkward. I was sort of chubby and my hair was always a mess. Even though my mom tried so hard to make it perfectly neat and tidy.  

What I was mocked for the most was my intense love and adoration for, and interest in, animals. I was head over heels in love with learning about them, being around them, playing with them or toy replicas. I even created a magazine about them. I knew hundreds of breeds and information on dogs, horses and birds. I took horseback riding. I wrote short stories and plays about animals. I read books about horses. My heart swelled when I was in their presence. I loved my animals and they were my very best friends. 

Looking back on the photo of that 9 year old girl this morning brought tears to my eyes. Feeling the pain she felt, the isolation. Just for being who she was. For being authentic. There are just no words to describe how it feels to watch an innocent child, as they are beaten and bruised by the words and actions of others. 

I just finished watching "I am Cait," the season premier on the E! Channel about Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner. I am beyond thrilled to see a show where someone uses their social status to very directly affect (positively) the lives of people all over. But watching the show was a grave reminder of the pain that people endure just for being themselves. Trying to hide themselves away. Shove themselves into a box to "fit in."

Fear of judgment, rejection and a lack of acceptance leads to bullying, crime, suicide, violence. Beautiful souls are losing or giving up their lives just because of who they are, how they feel, the fears inside them and the cruelty of people around them. 

On the show, Caitlyn said, "We need more tolerance and empathy towards other people. It's just so hard for young people because they can't see the future. And because of that, they become extraordinarily desperate and suicide becomes an option." 

I can absolutely relate to this experience.  As a teenager, I was desperate and taking my own life became an option. It felt easier than living another day in my own shoes. In my own pain. 

Today, having made it into my thirties, I know the value of each and every life. And I know that our soul wounds are what make us strong and special. Relatable. And our biggest lessons are what we teach others about. Having survived, it becomes like our gift to the world.

Nonetheless, at the time we are living in our pain, it's hard to see out. I know adults today that have social anxiety and crippling fears as a result of bullying they endured as a child. Parents that cringe sending their own children off to school, decades later, because the trauma is so real for them. So vivid. The wounds still raw. 

I couldn't imagine hurting a child in this way. Though I was very mean when I was a teenager. I was broken and hurting and alone. I can no longer relate to that person, but I understand her. I see through the mask of toughness she wore. To the child, scared and hurting, underneath. It takes a lot for me to forgive myself for all the times I was mean to other kids, imagining the pain I caused them. But I know that it was all part of my journey and I pray that they can find peace in their hearts and heal from the past. 

Kids are so beautiful, so innocent. They are such easy targets. But adults experience the same kind of pain that the children do. Everyday. They just learn to hide it better. To tuck away the sting, the bleeding heart. 

We can't blame bullies, can we? Hurting people hurt people. They are in pain. Maybe they were raised to treat others this way. Maybe they're treated this way. As Wayne Dyer teaches, we can only give away that which we carry inside. We can only give away anger and hate if we are full of it ourselves. And if we have no love inside, or joy, how can we possibly give that to others? 

This by no means justifies the actions of the abusers. There is never a time it is okay to intentionally hurt another person.But perhaps the abused can find healing through the recognition that abuse is only about the abuser. Never about the abused. Nothing is ever really personal. At any given moment, we can only see through our very own limited perceptions. Maybe this awareness will make it easier to digest what we've gone through, to move forward and see our own beauty and perfection. 

So, is there a cure for this very relevant, important and far reaching topic? Sure. It's love. It's acceptance. It's teaching our kids to radiate love, be love, share love. To practice acceptance and non-judgment. To become a safe space for someone else to be themselves. To encourage others to be authentic, as we stand in our very own truth. To stop hiding. Stop allowing fear to rule our lives and steal our power. To shine. To share our gifts with the world.  To be kind. Always. No matter what. 

Imagine what that would look like! A world of people, so woven together, living their lives individually yet orchestrated into the entire masterpiece. So harmonious. A beautiful symphony. Each person necessary to the unified front. Each player, irreplaceable. Beautiful on his or her own. But unstoppable together. Like the wind chimes that sing in magical unison, we are all divine puzzle pieces. Unique. Perfect. And needed to complete the big picture. 

I hope that tonight you close your eyes, carrying love in your heart and inspiration for a new day tomorrow. I hope you heal, that you allow yourself to fill with the divine light that is so natural to your soul. I hope that all hardened hearts soften, and that acceptance begins to replace judgment and fear. I hope what was once closed will open. I hope you extend love instead of cruelty. And that you receive the same blessings for yourself. 

Good night, little ones. Shine on, and blow this world away.  

Shame, Shame...

If you and I were to measure my life by societal or cultural standards or the "P.C." way to be, sure, I would have to agree that my life is fucked up.  It's not conventional or anywhere close to it.  And it doesn't look very good on paper.  It's really messy.  If a piece of art were to represent what it looks like, it would be like a toddler took a couple of crayons and markers and scribbled all over the place, missing the paper and having no perceived rhyme or reason (I happen to find this analogy quite appropriate and symbolic).

The appearance of my life is an easy one to use when others want to project their issues out into the external world and "feel better" about themselves by comparison. 

Some close to me like to remind me frequently of this, trying to make me feel bad or embarrassed for my choices or the way my life looks to others right now. It's as if they think that drilling it into my head, and making me feel guilt or shame, will change what is - or maybe they hope it'll guide me to make "better" or "right" choices in the future.  

First of all, "right" and "wrong" is subjective. And there are really no such thing as mistakes. There are actions, reactions and consequences.  There is what is, and that's all there really is to it. Our lives are comprised of cause and effect, milestones and stepping stones... all leading us to where we are in this moment right Now. 

I will never understand trying to make someone feel bad for how their life looks externally to the general public, or whomever.  I cannot relate to that inner need (of the ego) or desire to tell someone else what they're doing "wrong" in my opinion or limited perception, or society's, or whatever.  

What should I do to make people feel more comfortable? Hide myself away? Pretend to be someone I am not? Lie? Suppress and repress? 

As the last couple of years unfolded, I found myself wanting to do all of those things. And I think other people expected the same of me.  I felt judged, afraid of what others would say, and I began to use negative language about myself and my life situation(s).  Sadness, anger and depression came and went, on and off as I struggled to find resolution.  What I learned was that my perception dictated everything.  And if people really loved me, and were happy within themselves, they would have no need to judge me or point fingers or anything negative.  

So, while my life may be messy as hell, it's still my experience here.  Doesn't that make it perfect by default? 

I found that through all of my challenges, I have found a greater sense of peace, unconditional love and acceptance. I have fewer and fewer negative thoughts and experiences, and I am beyond grateful for all of what makes up my life and who "I" am.  I am able to share more of myself now than ever before. When my life "looked good," I wasn't happy. I had nothing to give others.  I judged, I yearned for more. I was an empty shell, seeking truth and freedom. After now living through things I didn't think I could emotionally survive, I am really happy to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is more to life, more joy, more love. At our very fingertips.  Waiting for us to be ready and open to receive and see it.  Without my hard times, I would never have opened my eyes to the truth, the beauty of all that is, the depth of feeling and emotion available to us.  

When we judge others, we are really judging ourselves.  We aren't speaking the truth, we are speaking from our very limited perceptions and narrow scope of view.  I always reference Wayne Dyer, because this really resonates with me: "You can only give away what you have inside."  Those of us that are at peace with our own lives and experiences, that carry around with us unconditional love for others and ourselves, well... we don't have time to judge others and what their lives look like.  We don't have the desire to make people feel bad. In fact, there are enough critics and cynics in the world.  We want to make people feel good.  We want to share love and enthusiasm and hope.

Everyone is doing the very best they can each and every day with the skills and knowledge they have.  We are all here with the same goals in mind: love and happiness and fulfillment.  We are bound by a universal love and energy that fluidly moves through all things. 

Today, I am beyond grateful and so proud to display my unique work of art for all the world to see. Exposure is freedom.  

I have dedicated myself to living by example, and always being available for someone in need.  I am committed to being a safe place for others, where there is no judgment. Do I seek anything in return? Not at all. Giving is the reward. Knowing maybe that one less person is suffering, or that they can avoid the pain of rejection or judgment, well...that's plenty return. 

No matter what your life looks like, it's your experience and yours alone. All that is important is that you feel good, and that you are able to share that goodness with others. Everyone's got an opinion. Remember, we are all limited by our egos and perceptions and are doing the best we know how. Someone else's view of you is their business, not yours. Finding acceptance in what is is the key to joy and inner peace.  Keep your head high, stay strong, move through challenges as best you can and I promise you, what lies on the other side is both beautiful and miraculous.   

I'm a Big Girl now...

"But she's just a child." 

Why do we protect children, try to keep them from any harm or exposure to anything potentially damaging, treat them with care and love and sensitivity? With kindness? We go to great lengths to make sure we "do right" by them. 

Is it their innocence, their lack of hardening? Their newness to this world and all its many facets? Their enthusiasm and grace and naivety? 

What makes adults different? Is it reasoning? Isn't reason just another way to justify our over-analytical minds and endless thoughts?  Is it because we are supposed to be harder? More guarded and bitter? Is it because we expect more? Hide more? Repress and suppress and express and escape better? What makes us so different? 

Aren't we all just little children, in big bodies, programmed and conditioned by life? Walking around, not knowing what the f$@* is going on? Trying to make sense of it all. 

If we strive to treat babies and children with love and all things positive and fluffy, would it not be wise and appropriate to use that as a precedent for all beings? Deep inside, we are all our inner children. Grown-up in adult suits and armor, playing out our roles in the world with precision, protecting our little selves with all we've got. Trying to limit our exposure and vulnerabilities. 

Is that what makes us different? Our desire to hide our raw and true self? Our mechanisms to build walls - skyscrapers even - to keep pain out? We have lost a special knowing along the way.  Children recognize the limitless world of abundance, love and joy we all share together on our journeys.  

Doesn't sound to me like we are any better prepared, equipped or ready to handle pain than children. Maybe, I would surmise, we are even less protected and prepared.  

Note to self: treat all beings as I would a dear, beautiful child or baby.  With delicate care and unconditional love.  This includes ourselves.  

Knowing = action.

I get so many emails - many that are promotional that clog up the inbox - that I admit, with the little time I have, I don't read much. Most I leave or "save" for another day (which never comes and so I have 15,000 unread emails I am "saving"). Well, the other day I strayed from my norm and opened an email from the Daily Love with Mastin Kipp. I scanned the email body, and happened upon a very simple sentence that touched me in a deep and profound way. 

I'll include the whole section to put it into context but I will highlight the part that spoke to me in bold:

"Instead of trying to think your way into a new way of action, it’s time to act your way into a new way of thinking.

 

It’s about risking. It’s about taking the adventure. It’s about letting go of the need to be comfortable and embracing the unknown.

 

Many people think they know this – but in fact they do not.

 

Why?

 

Because if you want to look at what you actually know – look at your actions.

 

There’s a difference between understanding something and knowing it.

 

We all understand lots of stuff. However, we may or may not actually know it.

 

That’s why it’s vital to begin to put into action the life that we want. That’s why we must begin to put our butt on the line and turn the fear that that brings into a fuel to push us forward."

Whoa. It occurred to me at that very moment that I sure thought I "knew" a lot, but really - maybe - I just understand it. So often I am aware of things yet I find reasons to be content and not "act" on them. I feel like I can do it when the time is right, or when I feel like it. No rush. 

I would willingly give advice to a friend, so sure of the words I choose, yet I don't always act on those words in my own life. 

Mastin is right. Big time. There's a big difference between something living in your head and living in action. If you want to know where you're at, look not at what you say (or "know") but what you do. 

If you're like me and you find yourself living more with words than actions in certain areas of your life, I challenge you to question why. 

Mastin says, "That’s why it’s vital to begin to put into action the life that we want. That’s why we must begin to put our butt on the line and turn the fear that that brings into a fuel to push us forward. 

You see – fear is just that – fuel for your journey. When you are scared, when you butt is on the line – that brings forward a different kind of energy, a different kind of action from our souls.

 

We are stirred into action. We bring forward deep gifts and creativity we didn’t know we had. And none of this can be found within your comfort zone."

 

Fear. Being afraid is "why."  For me anyway. And Mastin agrees. Though he makes it sound so easy, so matter of fact. I don't find that to necessarily always be accurate. It's not always easy. Sometimes it feels impossible to turn fear to fuel when it's deep seeded or not fully realized. 

Fear can disguise itself as many different things. He is a master magician and manipulator  (Sorry Fellas, but "fear" felt masculine). A puppeteer of sorts. 

My fear hides in contentment. He buries away under "eh, another day. I'm fine. No rush. I can always do it when I need to."

But now that I was reminded of this very fundamental concept, it's time to turn words to actions. Time to "put my butt on the line" as Mastin so eloquently stated. 

Your homework: 

Contemplate this:  is there something in your life that you understand but don't know (act on)? How is fear hiding in your life? What do your actions tell you about where you're at? 

Then do this: Baby steps, darling.  One little baby step at a time. That's all action is. One on top of another. Forward movement in alignment with who you are (the real you). Choose a tiny baby step out of your comfort zone (I'll do it, too!) and take note of how it feels, what happens as a result, etc. 

I would love to hear about your fears, the step you take and how it felt taking it, if you feel comfortable enough to share!  Comment here or email me at Camille@LiveFullToday.com. 

 

Saying Goodbye...

Today is the day.  

The day I say goodbye to a physical, symbolic stepping stone in my life.  A place I laid roots and experienced many, many different transitions.  Not only manifestations in my external situation(s), but transitions within myself.  

I moved into this apartment recently after graduating college.  And I bought it.  It was something tangible that was mine, it was not a rental.  It felt so warm and inviting, I knew it would be a friend to me for a long time. And it was.  It was always there just at the right time when I needed it to be.  

I was so young and hopeful when I moved into this space.  I splashed it with color and breathed life into it.  And in the next few years, those walls witnessed some of the most pivotal memories and experiences of my life.  A new puppy, an engagement, a marriage. A pregnancy, followed by the birth of my most precious daughter. I grieved the loss of my enchanting canine companion, Ursa.  I fostered several puppies then adopted a new dog, Raja.  Then, a separation. Depression. I moved out.  Then I moved back in a few months later.  I spent several years within this space raising my daugther as a single mother, working around the clock, when she wasn't home, to make ends meet.  I enrolled in the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and earned my certification as a Holistic Health Coach.  I became divorced. I began a relationship with someone from a previous chapter in my life. I eventually became pregnant, again, and moved out a second time.  And admittedly, there have been times since then that I wanted to run back there, again, to my "safe haven." 

Doing a final walk-through today, I can't imagine what it'll be like to never go back there.  Though I will still be paying the balance of the loan (Yes, like so many people out there, I owe more than it's worth) - it will no longer be a place I can run to or call my own.  It has served me through so many times in my life, both joyous and trying.  It was a nuisance on one hand, yet my safety blanket on the other.  Handing over the key... is like letting go of all that once "was."  It feels so finite and concrete.  

As I walked back to my car after my final walk-through, I snapped some photos of "rubble" that was once a beautiful display of natural art, built by my ex-husband.  It felt as though those days I recall are naturally merging into and being absorbed by the Earth in the same way as the actual, physical stones and signposts are.  New life (plants) is growing around and over them.  Their color has faded, the structures have been broken and moved around.  Much like the hopes and aspirations and stepping stones of my journey thus far.

I will never forget those years I spent in this sacred space... or the many versions of myself that inhabited those walls.  I walked in as one person and left as another.  If I close my eyes, I can still unlock the door...walk in and out of the rooms and onto the back patio where deer families could be seen in the woods just a few feet out. I can still hear the creaking of the ceiling from my neighbor above.  I can still shut the light out in the bedroom and tuck myself into the comfort and warmth of my bed. 

I guess it'll never really be gone.  Like everything else, it is stored in my subconscious even if my mind tricks me into thinking I have forgotten and lost so much.

I am so grateful for that apartment. The good, the bad, the ups and the downs.  Good bye, old friend.  I hope that you wrap up the new owner in your loving arms and extend the same gracious hospitality as you did for me and my family. xo

...and so I go, onto the next stepping stone on my journey.