I got caught. Totally, red-handed.
It was as though I were a third party watching the entire thing happen. And I caught myself; the offense was clear as day.
"For a smart girl, you sure do stupid things, Camille."
It was that simple. That short. That quick.
But that ten-word sentence was super charged and packed with a punch. It carried with it years of history and story-tales. Layers of emotion, pain, memories and self-limiting beliefs.
It may seem innocent to the majority, but those ten words - altogether - are the root of so many internal struggles. And after I caught myself, I stopped dead in my tracks.
Why did I call my actions stupid? The things I do are no different than everyone else... millions of people. Billions probably. And what makes them stupid after all? That is, most definitely and completely, subjective. Why - in that moment - did I feel the need to judge myself? It was as though I was speaking to another person. As though I were two people, not one. The judgmental, tightly wound Camille shaking her head in disapproval... telling the other Camille a thing or two about "life" and choices and what's smart and what is not. Controlling the second girl that made a choice that perhaps was not - in hindsight - the best for her. Though, is it not true that we need to make certain choices to learn certain lessons? Who is to say what is best for anyone, anyway?
That first Camille sounds an awful lot like someone I know very well. Bless his heart, I love my father dearly. But his tongue has been known to cut like the sharpest knife and be as venomous as a snake's bite. And I was not spared from its wrath throughout my adolescence.
And so, here I am... in my thirties. A parent, myself. Ravenous for soul-food, always reading and expanding and questioning and nourishing and reaching to become the highest version of Camille I can be. And out of the clear blue, left field comes that darn sneaky ego. The embodiment of self limitations and fear and judgment. The part of ourselves that wants to be right, wants to protect us and keep us safe (and stagnant) and the mind that stores our story-tales and regurgitates them at just the "appropriate" time.
It was a very raw and startling reminder of how powerful our minds can be, our stories and our beliefs. How they are tucked away and even when you think you've rid yourself of them - in your false sense of security, they pop up to play with you (not such a fun game).
More importantly, it was also a much-needed reminder that so much of life is subjective. And being gentle with ourselves is so vital to optimal health and overall wellbeing. We get judged at every corner... from the time we are children and into adulthood and beyond. So, who needs a split personality version of themselves telling them all the things they do wrong? I am sure there are plenty of people or things out there willing to do that for us. Everything is about learning and growing. Everything is happening in perfect timing. We may not always (or ever) understand the "why" of our situations, but trust - and faith - in ourselves, in life and in our journey can help to put us at ease, at peace, so we can carry on with our days and live perfectly presently in the moment.
So.... I would like to say a quick thing to Camille the first. I am not stupid. I am doing the best I can, in this very moment, with what I am given and with the knowledge I have. And that is all I can do.
And to all of you reading this... you are beautiful and perfect just as you are. If you want to believe in something... believe in that. Because it is the real honest truth.
As Hans Christian King said, "Faith & Belief: Trust that the Universe will be there for you."